There are things I am unable to let go, bother me or cost me endless hours of hopeless dwelling.  In an order precedence not volume there are spiritual, emotional, physical, and politically oriented “things” that I am referring to.  For instance, spiritually I cannot understand why Jesus never married and had children…as a man I find the day-to-day effort of trying to be a good husband and father one of the most difficult struggles.  I don’t want to dwell too long on this specific subject but, I do find it odd that he never had the opportunity to argue with or make love to his wife, discipline his children, protect his family or eat a burnt supper.  When I bring up this subject most say it wasn’t the reason he was here but, those same people when I ask if he worked say “yes” he was a carpenter…why did he work – how was that part of why he was here?…maybe the carpenter part just a metaphor?  This is just one of the many questions I want to ask after I enter those pearly gates (right after I throughly apologize for using so many variations of a word that starts with f) some of the others include who made you God and please don’t just say I am, why did you make dinosaurs, and are you a Steeler fan?  In reality…I probably won’t care about any of that once I see the farmhouse he built for me and my dog Steel waiting for me on the front porch.

Emotionally, there are really three things.  The first is the relationship I failed to have with my father growing up.  I never gave him the chance to see his side and typically not even want or care enough to hear it.  If he wanted me to go right I was most certainly headed left…for no other reason except to go my own way.  My father is a great man, a great father but he is not my friend and that is my fault.  Second, the fact I still have a burning fire deep down to prove all my naysayers wrong and strive to have a better life then they do.  It is so petty and I am well aware of that but, dang it pisses me off when someone says or said that I wouldn’t amount to much, wasn’t good enough, tough enough, smart enough or said nothing at all but, I thought they were thinking something bad. Previously, I allowed those things to become anger or jealousy now I am able to turn them into motivation and hope that soon I can get to a point where it won’t even matter.  Third, without any details, a few decisions that created numerous regrets regarding love that I think about every day.

Physically – the area where the shear volume is overwhelming.  I fell hard into consumerism…I needed stuff lots of stuff all shapes, sizes and colors of it.  I needed things to show my success…just typing that makes me feel stupid.  But, I am competitive and I wanted to be the first to have it for example fancy cars, house, watches, family…I wanted to be so far ahead of everyone else that I lost track of everything else…my health, my relationships, my friends, my family and ultimately my reputation to the ones I actually care what they think about me.  I am finding myself caring less about material things and looking deeper into the physical things that matter…like my body…I only have one and I am sure my kids, at least for now, want me around forever.

Last and very much the least…Politically.  Mainly, I cannot believe such a job as a political analyst exists and they get paid for being it.  I really don’t have much to say publicly on this subject because I don’t have a stance as I no longer know what any party stands for.  I no longer understand what any of what they say means…there is just too much personality, power, money, personal agendas and lack of results.  There are just so many things wrong with our political system that it makes it nearly impossible for me to wake up and go to work in the morning…actually I hardly feel any affects on my life no matter what happens in Washington other than I now hate watching the fake news.

– The Dirt Paved Road